Dont be afraid to go overboard i can take it if u cant dont read the jokez! A rabbi and a priest get into a terrible car accident. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God."
The rabbi continued, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Manishewitz wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a bit, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi.
The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest.
The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police" How do you know how old a man is?
Look at his belly. (Doesn't work for actors, rich dudes and fitness icons)
20 - Flat
30 - Starting to bloat
40 - Big
50 to 60 - Huge
70 and up - No belly, just bones (mostly)
Also works for women but in the part that says 70 and up is bigger waists (others) Uhh? Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in Florida.
They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that
they enjoyed each other's company.
After several weeks of meeting for coffee,
Claude asked Maude out for dinner and,
much to his delight, she accepted.
They had a lovely evening.
They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.
Despite his age, they ended up at his place for an after-dinner drink.
Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor,
Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared,
each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....
Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler."
Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have
taken off my pantyhose. a mushroom walks into a bar. when he gets inside he asks the bartender for a beer. "hey barkeep'" yells the mushroom, "can iu get a beer?" "No" replies the barkeep, "I dont serve your kind,"
"why not?" says the muxhroom. Im a fun guy!"
because mushrooms are fungus. that's what they are! ok here goes how do u know when a woman is about to say something smart? ... she starts the sentence wit a man once told me. Kinda a riddle:
1.A plane crashes on the border off saskatchewan and alberta. Where are the survivors buried? Haha they survived, they do not burie you when ur alive..... I know ..... lame....
2.Three guys die and go to hell.
When they arrive the devil informs them that he is going to remove their penises.
"Oh, how are you going to do it", asks one of the guys.
"Whatever your fathers jobs were, that's how I'll remove them" says the devil.
So he calls over the first guy "Your father was a lumberjack... So I'll cut it off with a saw"
To the second guy he says "Your father was a blacksmith... So I'm going to burn it off"
As he calls the third guy over he notices he's smiling.
"Why are you smiling, you just watched me remove your friends penises" says the devil.
"I know" replies the man "but my father was a popsicle maker"
3.(this ones funny) Now I haven't known you very long and I shouldn't be asking you for this so soon, but I really need it badly.
I haven't had it for a while and I can already feel it going in good and hard and coming out nice and soft.
If you would do this for me no one would ever know.
I am sure you can satisfy my needs and I'd be very grateful if you would.
I am very desperate and I need your help.
You must think by now that I have a lot of nerve but I can feel my tongue wrapping around it and sucking out all the juices until it's very dry.
I am not going to beat around the bush any longer so.
Do you have a piece of gum?
4.(This ones just weird...)One day an old man sat down on a bench and across the street he saw a little boy sitting on the curb.
The old man sat and watched him and saw that he was holding a cat by the tail and had candy in his hand.
Every few minutes, the little boy would pop a few pieces of candy in his mouth, bite the cat on the tail, and scoot down a little bit.
After the man watched the little boy for a few minutes he walked over and asked the little boy what he was doing.
The little boy replied, "I'm playing truck driver!" "Playing truck driver?" the man asked.
"Yeah, I'm popping pills, eating *****, and moving on down the line!"
5. (last one) What a drag it is getting old...
When I went to the bar tonight, I noticed this old boy about 75-80 years sitting all alone in the corner and he was crying over his cocktail.
I stopped and asked him what was wrong.
He said: "I have a 22 year old lover at home. I met him a month or so ago, right here in this very bar!" He continued; "He makes love to me every morning and then he makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground, brewed coffee."
I said: "Well, then why are you crying?"
He said: "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then he makes love to me half the afternoon."
I said: "Well, so why are you crying?"
He said: "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then he makes love to me until 2:00 am."
I said: "Well, for goodness sakes! Why in the world would you be CRYING!"
And he said: "I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!" |
